Imagine

There is another piece of why that I have been trying to grasp.  

My very limited experience with past relationships has been fraught with exhausting calculation.  I was constantly trying to mold myself into what my partners needed, but was never sure what exactly that would be- all I could do was minimize myself, and hope that my wit and ease were enough to keep them interested.  

I’m really stressed, but I don’t want be needy.  Bury it, and ask how his day was.

I don’t know what to make for dinner- what if it’s not what he wants? If he just comes over later tonight for sex, then you can’t disappoint him- you know you’re good in bed.

The thing he just did was kind of hurtful, but I don’t want to make a big deal about it.  Say something funny so that he doesn’t think you have feelings.

I make more money than him, and I know things have been rough with his divorce.  You should pay for this, and for that, and for all of those things. Then he will know that you care, and you won’t be a burden to him.

Will he like this outfit, or be secretly embarrassed to be seen with me? It’s so much easier when we just stay in.

Does he actually want to go to this event, or does he feel trapped? Bail on your friends, just in case.

The mental gymnastics that I endured to make sure that I was as needless and as palatable as possible are, in retrospect, completely insane.  

Then why are they still my default setting?

The thing about spending all of your energy on wearing masks is that you forget what you really look like.

There is an argument to be made that in a 24/7 dynamic where choices on wardrobe, meals, tasks, and more are fully surrendered is a step backward in the journey of authenticity.  That argument may prove to be valid.

The way I currently see it, though, is this- imagine the bulk of the guesswork could be removed from a relationship?  

Imagine being on a date that my partner planned, in an outfit that he chose, eating a meal that he ordered.  Imagine getting ready, knowing that I will be adored.  Imagine not agonizing over a restaurant choice, or not having to look at a menu ahead of time so that I don’t get flustered. 

Imagine that he knows how much I care about him, even if I still have a hard time saying it out loud- because I am showing up for him in exactly the way he needs.  Imagine being absolutely sure about that, because he has told me what he needs in careful detail, and affirms my efforts regularly.

Imagine instead of having to constantly monitor and minimize myself to earn my seat at his table, he pulls it out for me and folds my napkin in my lap.

Imagine how at peace it would feel, knowing that he is exactly where he wants to be, with who he wants to be with, doing what he wants to be doing.  If I don’t have to worry about his experience, I might actually get to be interesting.

I might actually get to be myself.