Learning to Cum: My Foray into Orgasm Control- Part 1

I had to lose control of my body to gain control of my orgasms.

Prior to my foray into BDSM, I could not reliably cum with a partner.  Sure, I could get myself off- at an Olympic level pace- but with a partner I found it way too hard to stay in the moment.  Instead of focusing on the climb to orgasm, I would find myself distracted:

“Fuck yes that feels good, a little to the left, don’t stop!”

“Am I moaning enough to let him know I like it? Is it too much? Does it sound like I’m trying to be a porn star?”

“I need to remember to take the laundry out of the dryer…shit, no, focus!”

“What does my face look like right now?”

“Did I send that email before I left the office? I need to remember to call that person in the morning.”

“FOCUS!”

“Is he bored? It’s been a while…he’s probably bored.”

“This is just not going to happen for me tonight.  Do I fake it? I don’t want to hurt his feelings…he really is trying…okay, Oscar winning performance in 3…2…1…”

The female orgasm isn’t something that we talk about enough- and I would bet that any woman who happens to be reading this can relate.  When we cum, it isn’t just a physical reaction; the mental gymnastics required to achieve orgasm- especially with a partner- are intense.  You need to stay present in the moment, and pay attention to your body.  Once you grasp the thread of the big O, you need to do everything you can to hold on tight.  And guys, when we say don’t stop- we mean don’t move even a centimeter to the left or change the pressure- just keep going, exactly as you are.  Probably best not to breathe too heavily for fear of changing the pace.

All of this is to say that before BDSM, I found it hard to cum with a partner.  It certainly happened, but it was sporadic and unpredictable.  There is a lot of stigma associated with discussing such a thing with a partner- does it mean that I am just bad at sex? Is there something wrong with me? And then of course there are the partners who say “Oh, it’s just because you haven’t been with me yet.” Eye. Roll.  The more pressure you put on an orgasm, the harder it is to grasp.

When Mr Grey and I first started playing together, he asked me point blank if I was able to cum with a partner- as if it was totally natural not to be able to.  The truth was that I had cum with him our first time, but that was quite a rarity- particularly with a new partner.  I debated downplaying it, but in the interest of our shared commitment to honesty as we embarked on the D/s adventure, I gave him the whole truth.  He nodded in understanding when I told him that I have a hard time staying in the moment.  He normalized it, and then explained how for some folks surrendering control can help to take the pressure off.  It was with that spirit- no pressure- that we began.

Our first session began with him tying my wrists and ankles at the four corners of the bed.  I was laying on my back, fully naked and exposed.  He remained fully clothed.  He explained that part of my submission would be to surrender my orgasms to him- he would decide when I get to cum, and I would need to ask his permission to do so.  I nodded along, having seen the likes of it in porn, the butterflies in my stomach drowning out any nerves.  I pulled against the restraints, testing their narrow limits as he explained what the session was about.

“You are not going to cum tonight,” he said to my surprise.  “Tonight is about me getting to know your body, and you getting to know my touch.  I want you to pay attention to how every touch makes you feel.  Focus your mind, and drown out all else.  You will focus on my voice, my hands, and my mouth- but you will not cum.”

You can imagine my confusion- I thought that the whole point of this is for me to learn how to cum with a partner.  Now he’s telling me I can’t?  I decided to trust the process (which is really not in my nature- but when you’re tied to a bed- what choice do you have?).  He then blindfolded me, which I realized later was to help me focus- if I am not worried about making eye contact/what my face looks like, I can better focus on what’s happening to my body- smart man.

“Yes, Sir,” I replied- and he began.

Like Mr. Grey’s style? Read more about him here.